My Life is Forever Altered

I am completely broken and emptied and numb inside. Yesterday, December 9, 2010 has become the newest, worst day of my life. My family has been ripped apart and my heart has been shattered. Christmas has been ruined and that is hard to do because it is usually the time of year when I am most at peace and my heart is the most joyful. I do not think that I should post details of the situation right now as it has only been 24 hours and I do not know exactly what is going to transpire from all of this. What I do know is that my life is changed forever and I feel empty and broken and numb and angry and heart broken and confused and surreal and lost. I don't even know if or how we'll have Christmas this year. I don't know where everyone will be or where we will put presents or open presents or have dinner, if we have dinner. I was so looking forward to my last exam in school being today so that I could relax and begin to clean and pack everything up to go home for the break, now all of that is changed and I guess I will be spending most of the break here in the ghost town Clemson becomes over Christmas. This will be the most horrible holiday season I've ever had. I hate sounding so down and pessimistic but I can't explain the confusion, hurt and helplessness that I feel and I've never known what it felt like to not have anywhere to go for Christmas or to have your family separated and not talking or not knowing where you'll be Christmas morning. A friend sent me this scripture that I feel is the only thing giving me light in this situation.

"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21

This Psalm is pretty much the story of the bad experiences of my life summed up. It seems that I can't catch a break and when I'm trying to move forward and better myself and get closer to God that's when the worst things happen and the things hardest to overcome show up again. However what happened yesterday is something completely new and different from the other situations I've had to try to overcome in my life before. I don't know how to function like this, I can't think straight, I can't focus, I'm pretty sure I failed my Spanish exam, I have to stop myself from crying at random times, I just feel like a lost, helpless little kid again. I don't know just how drastically my life is going to change from this or where I'll be a few weeks or months from now, but I know that it will never be the same and I think from now on it will always be a little bit worse. I can only pray that God somehow comforts me and gives me the strength I need to come through this and be a comfort to my mom and my sister and I guess somehow to my dad as well. This whole situation is so messed up. I'm finished venting for now, I need to go get ready, my mom and I are going away for a day or so to try to have her distracted from what's going on. I know that this post is confusing and very down but I needed to vent because as of right now no one is really talking about what happened or what will happen and I can't just sit here thinking about it inside my mind. So thank you, blog, for being my outlet right now. God give my family strength and comfort and peace beyond our understanding. You are the only one who can reach us in this mess.

 

 

Ohhhhh boy.

Well, boys and girls, it's been 2 months and 12 days since I last wrote in this blog. Perhaps if I change the main reasoning behind this blog I'll write in it more. I haven't written in so long because I honestly haven't been doing much of anything on the health home front. I am now taking Singulair for my exercise induced asthma and allergic reactions, and I asked to begin taking Diflucan for the overgrowth of yeast in my body which I believe is affecting everything from my digestive system to weight gain to my lungs however I was under the impression that I would need to take Diflucan for weeks, maybe months but instead the doctor gave me 4 pills of the generic brand of the drug. I know that I told him that I feel that I am a walking ball of yeast but I guess he wasn't listening or didn't take me seriously. I really feel that if I could get rid of the yeast overgrowth in my body which is contributing to my carb cravings, low energy, etc, that things would get a lot better.

I've also asked mom and dad to chip in and get me a personal trainer at the gym here at Clemson campus, Fike, for Christmas, Instead of more clothes or jewelry I'd much rather get a personal trainer for 2 or 3 months and finally get rid of this extra weight and get in the habit of working out multiple times a week but apparently if there isn't someone there waiting for me, I'm not going to go. Hopefully that will work out because I'm getting tired of seeing pictures of myself where I'm so much heavier than I used to be. I've got about 30 or so pounds to lose. And I want to do it before the spring so I don't have to spend another summer not wanting to put on a bathing suit or trying to find cover ups.

Anyway, I've decided to change this blog from a health update and strictly about health to just about life in general. Perhaps I'll have more to write about. Or perhaps I'll find the other parts of my life too personal to put on an internet blog and I'll save those for my journal. Who knows. We'll give it a shot.

Once a Slacker, Always a Slacker?

Well, it's been about a month and a half since I've posted on here, partly from "slackerism"....i suffer from it daily...and part guilt. I will say that while I haven't blown the gluten-free thing completely out of the water, I probably came pretty close. I've had pizza, burritos, chicken nuggets and one spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. While I can tell my lungs aren't very happy with me about it, it's kinda sad that I can hardly walk to class without my lungs being tight, I think the thing that I feel most is shame. Except for school and sports in highschool I don't know if there's ever been anything that I have stuck with and followed through with...and those things are probably the only exceptions because my parents would've found out if I hadn't gone to school and I would've been kicked off the team if I didn't go to practice. So why is it that I can't find reasons to motivate myself or rules to apply to myself that will hold me accountable and keep me on the track of my goals? Why is it that I can find any excuse in the world to talk myself out of going to class or the gym?

In all honesty I don't understand it. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to be someone who exercises every week. Not every day of every week but I want exercise to be a priority in my life. I want to be a responsible adult. I'm 23, which may not be considered "old" but for the person I am and the person I probably should be at 23?, it seems my development is definitely stunted. In middle school and high school I played every sport except tennis....volleyball, basketball, softball, one season of track and one season of cheerleading. I was used to being active every day and I loved it. So what happened between then and now? Why am I apparently ok with being overweight and inactive and struggling to get to class without having to slow down and try to get my lungs to open? What am I scared of? Why would I rather feel insecure or unhappy with how my clothes fit and feel so out of shape every day? Why is it so hard for me to get up and go outside and walk for an hour? Or go to the gym for 30 minutes and lift some weights? Either it's also to the point of being so sad that I can't admit the reason to myself so I block it out, or I really have no idea. I so wish I could afford a personal trainer, then I would be required to meet someone at a certain place at a certain time and if I don't show they're going to call and want to know why. Why can't I be that person for myself? Why is it that some people that have such inner motivation that they don't need anyone else, they just set a goal and they do it? Where was I when they were handing that out, how did I miss the memo?

I'm sick of whining about this and always posting statuses about wanting to lose weight, wanting to get healthy, wanting to get in shape, writing about it here and still not doing anything. It makes me seem and feel pathetic....and I guess if it walks, looks and quacks like a duck.... eeeesh. They say no one will really change until they want it for themselves. So do I just not want it bad enough yet? How overweight, out of shape and how poor of health do I have to be in before I'm willing to do something? Within the next 10 years I'd like to start a family....and everyone knows that unless you're a Victoria's Secret model or can afford Ivan the scary-monster-muscle trainer, once you have children it is infinitely harder to try to get your body back....or as close to back as you can, I don't think a woman's body can ever fully return to what it once was after you carry and give birth to a child...and I think that's a beautiful part of life. However, if I do not get into the habit of exercising now and get into shape now, once I do start a family it will almost assuredly NEVER happen. If I can find excuses not to now without a husband and children and bills? After life happens it would be like my excuse utopia (if that even makes sense).

But yet even after writing yet another post about what I want, actually what I NEED to do for myself, what am I going to do about it? I was planning on Tuesday/Thursdays to get up around 5:15am when Chrystal leaves for work and walk for an hour or so before leaving for class around 7. However sitting here thinking about it I immediately think 'crap, that's not a lot of sleep and I barely got any sleep last night'. So then I think, 'well I'll go to bed early' but then I think of the 3-5 page paper that I have due tomorrow morning that my 'slackerism' has caused me to wait to start on until the night before which means I probably won't be going to bed early because I don't get out of class until 5:15pm and still have to go grocery shopping and write the paper which then makes me think 'if I'm not going to bed early there's NO way I'm going to get up at 5am'. And now I am mentally exhausted....just thinking about exercise makes me feel exhausted. I don't know if this is a thryoid, or an adrenal glad or a hormone thing, or if it's some mental disease that I'm letting myself fall victim to. I'd like to say I'm going to get up at 5am to walk....but I doubt it. I'd like to say I'm going to walk for an hour on my break tomorrow from 10:45-12:30....I don't know. What I do know is that if I don't start something...and soon...my self-loathing is going to start, if it hasn't already, to affect my other relationships. I need a character makeover...a personality jolt...."a swift kick in the butt". What would be great is if I could do this for myself without a self-help book or trainer but just out of my love for myself and my future and those I want to be in my future. Here's to hoping?

2 down...passing "the hump" mark!

Everyone says 2 weeks is the "hump point"....if you can get past 2 weeks of a diet, of working out, of waiting to see results that this is when the results start showing up and it becomes easier etc...well i haven't dropped 20 lbs but the other night i was out to eat and it was surprisingly easy to sit next to stephen with his giant calzone and be okay with not having my own....i had a salad. right now i'm craving a large pepparoni pizza and crazy bread but i guess the easiness comes and goes...i wasn't able to find a scale today I did however work out for the first time in probably a year, besides yoga. we did arms and abs and my arms feel like 20lbs of dead weight right now...tomorrow should be interesting.

although apparently if i'm wanting to lose weight i should only lift weights about twice a week and focus mainly on cardio...which is hard to do with asthma and exercise induced allergic reactions...however tomorrow i believe i'll try to run and see how it goes....i don't know if 2 weeks is long enough for all the gluten and built up toxins/remains etc to get out of my system so that i don't have an allergic reaction but i guess we'll find out....i'm sure it will be more like a fat boy jog but hey it's something! so here's to two weeks down and 4 more to go...and here's to eating nothing today but smoothies...didn't plan it like that but i had one for breakfast, one when i got to work, and since i'm broke and have no groceries it looks like i'll be making a protein stocked smoothie for dinner! talk about cutting calories! lol ahhh who am i kidding, i'll probably hit up wendy's for some chili...mmmmm.

1 week and 4 days = 4 lbs down!

Whoo hoo! Today it has been one week and (techincally) 3 days since my zero gluten decision. I went to the doctor for a checkup yesterday and when I got on the scale it didn't go as high as I was expecting it to! I had to look again because I was waiting on it to get to the dreaded 1-6-0...but it didn't! I couldn't see it very well because it was one of the older ones but it looked like I was down 4 or 6 lbs! I'm hoping that it wasn't broken or too old to function anymore but if it was dead on I've dropped a few l-bs! 4 pounds may not be a lot but it's a start!

The other crazy thing was that today for lunch I had a salad with buffalo chicken on it....it was supposed to be grilled chicken however I think it may have had a little bit of breading on it because about an hour later I realized my lungs felt tighter and my breathing was a little more strained. Not positive that it was the chicken but there wasn't any other reason for my breathing to be affected so I'm thinking it was some unwanted gluten! Crazy!

 So my report for 10 days in is 4 lbs down and more to go! 4 and a half weeks left, can't wait to see other results! Now if only I could get my butt in the gym I could turn that 4 into 14! Only I hate working out and don't have an accountability partner. Still working on that part.

One Week Down! 5 to go!

Well, as of today, Monday, it has been one complete week of my gluten-free diet and so far I have a clean slate! In 7 days I haven't had any bread, pasta, breading, crackers, cookies, nada. To be honest I'm quite shocked. It's been hard at times trying to find something that doesn't have any gluten to eat when you're on the go. I haven't been able to go grocery shopping yet so most of my meals have been purchased and not cooked. But hopefully soon I'll get to go buy groceries and have lots of fruits and vegetables and meats at the apartment. So I still have five weeks to go to reach my six weeks no gluten goal, but one week is down and I survived so I'm thinkin I can do it! I haven't noticed any significant changes yet but I hear it takes at least 2 weeks for any results whether it be with a diet or exercise program or whatever. So hopefully when another week is down I'll step on the scale and see a lesser number! Or have more energy or notice less bloating and digestive problems! Forgive me for patting myself on the back but when you've spent your entire life basically being a carbohydrate addict, going 7 days without any is pretty huge. I just wanna keep my clean record for the last 5 weeks! Til August 14th! Bring it on!

Day 4.....made a baby step!

You (you being the ghost reader of my blog) will never know how hard it was for me today. I went to Zaxby's thinking I would be healthy and order a salad...you can get grilled chicken instead of the fried so it would be without gluten. However I forgot about the two deliciously juicy perfectly cut triangles of warm, buttered garlic bread that come with said salad. So I open up my salad and side of extra chicken (in tongue torch sauce of course) for extra protein and see my nemesis....if I let myself I could probably eat an entire box of texas toast garlic bread. Sad, I know, but true. There is nothing better to me than warm soft garlic bread. And there sat two pieces in front of me.

For some it would be no problem at all to just toss the pieces aside and dig into the salad. But for me, I literally had to talk myself out of eating them. "I'm here all alone....no one would know if I ate them or not...I've been good for 4 days, 2 pieces of bread won't hurt....nobody would know if I cheated and it probably wouldn't even mess up my diet that much...." this is me talking to myself. Granted, at least I wasn't talking to myself OUT LOUD, however I was literally having to convince myself not to let myself eat them. The saddest part is that even when I did finally put them in the bag with the wrappers of the fork and knife and napkins I had to talk myself out of going into that bag after the pieces and eating them anyway. Like I said, self-diagnosed food addict or emotional food addiction.

A lot of people don't understand the fact that I have to talk myself out of eating something even when I've thrown it aside or away. I don't know how to describe it other than the fact that I feel that I "need" to eat that certain thing or that I cannot stop eating until I've completely cleared my plate even if it results in me being so full that it hurts. And that it has been impossible to talk myself out of this way of thinking. These steps that I'm trying to take will hopefully change that mindset and the self-diagnosed emotional food addiction but right now I'm just trying to completely cut out gluten and then hopefully I'll be able to move onto the eating less and eating healthier, exercising, etc. 

But to be honest today was a huge step for me. I was surprised at myself for being able to and being able to a little easier than I thought I would. So today is Day 4 of the no gluten plan and so far I have a clean record! 3 more days and it will be one week down, 5 more to go. haha. Here's to surviving and to making more baby steps that will add up to a lifestyle change! Now to figure out what I could have for dinner....does Little Caesars make gluten free crazy bread??  No, eh?

6 weeks of T.O.R.T.U.R.E.

Well, ladies and gents...all 1 of you that may read this a year from now....I have decided to go on a six week plan of ZERO gluten. No bread, pasta, crackers, chips, tortillas, cookies...you'd be surprised how many canned foods etc have gluten in them also so basically for 6 weeks I'll be eating meat and fruit and veggies. Perhaps it's because I'm Russian and we can live off of bread and vodka, or perhaps it's just my self-diagnosed food addiction that is going to make this very hard for me because I could literally eat pasta, bread and breaded foods all day every day. I HEART gluten. However gluten does not heart me. 

This horrible, wretched idea started with a book. The book "Cooking For Your Blood Type"...I need to read the first one, "How to Eat For Your Blood Type" but the second one was all that I had handy. It talks about each blood type and kind of how it originated or when I guess and what foods were readily available during that time and therefore what our specific blood types became accustomed to eating and what foods our systems adapted to being able to digest well. As for me, I am type O+. Which basically means two things. LOTS of meat, mainly steak/beef and chicken, and NO GLUTEN. Apparently type O systems just cannot digest gluten well at all, our systems basically cannot handle it which results in the following things: inflammation of the small intestines (bloating), aggravation of the digestive system (inconsistency, bloating, constipation, etc), **weight gain, exercise induced allergic reactions, yeast throughout the body, fatigue, imbalance of insulin, hormonal imbalance....and those are the ones I can remember. So remember all those symptoms I was having? Bloating, inconsistency, major weight gain, fatigue, allergic reactions when i exercised, etc? Well apparently the fact that mostly everything I ate was gluten or had gluten in it is the main culprit. I'm also not supposed to have a lot of dairy, a couple ounces 0-3 times a week but I can deal with that.

So basically whenever I get to go grocery shopping this week I will be stocking up on meat, veggies (but no corn and only a couple types of beans and nuts-type Os are only supposed to eat pinto beans and one other kind, i forget, and only pumpkin seeds and walnuts) and fruit (but no cantaloupe or honey dew melon because they have the highest mold count, mainly dark red/blue/purple fruits). Who's excited?? Today has been day 1 of the 6 week plan. So far today I have had organic/vegan southwestern black bean soup and a smoothie. I can tell that I need some protein/meat asap, I'm kinda shaky and weak. 2 more hours to go til that can happen. So, day 1 is over. Now just to figure out how I'll survive the other 41 days.....eeeesh. I will be documenting, and by that I mean whining about, my experience in this blog and hopefully the results/changes I begin to feel/see probably around the 2 week mark. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner because right now I have zero at my apartment, I may have to find a grilled chicken sandwich or burger and just take off the bread...who does that?! On to day 2.

Zero will power.

What do you do when you've got 20-30 lbs to lose, food allergies to gluten and dairy that you're pretty much unwilling to adjust to, an obvious emotional attachment to food and zero will power to workout or stay committed to exercise and have to talk yourself into going to your yoga class that you have to go to because you're being graded and that's the only way you can make yourself go consistently? Yep. Kind of sad, huh. Welcome to my life. I know that this sounds like a pity party but maybe in my mind I think that if I write this out and someone else reads it maybe that will make me feel bad enough to do something? Heck, who am I kidding.

You know how they say you can't make anyone change or do something until they want to for themselves? Well I've always believed in that but I don't know what else in the world i would need for it to be enough for me. I've gained 30 lbs in a year, can't run due to asthma and food allergies that I could maybe not cure but definitely help, i have no energy probably because of the foods I eat and the fact that I don't exercise. I used to play almost every sport in highschool....volleyball, softball, basketball, track, one season of cheerleading. And although I've never been good with diets or staying away from foods that taste soooo good but that are soooo bad for you, something's happened in the last year that has caused me to gain this weight. I've been told my adrenal gland doesn't work, that I basically don't have a thyroid, that food allergies are messing up my system....and I've been given all natural supplements to help all of it...and what do I do? The supplements sit in my car and I take them once every now and then, still eat gluten and dairy almost daily and will go into exercise mode hardcore for a few weeks and then something will happen and I won't exercise again for a month or so.

This really does sound more like a pity party than anything else....I'm just disappointed in myself and pretty ashamed of who I've let myself turn into and I'm hoping to turn this around. I don't know how because I apparently still don't have enough motivation and will power to do what I need to do, but maybe putting all this down and forcing me to read it will help some. I think that if I could get committed to this and it became a daily part of my life that I would become more diligent and dedicated in other areas of my life. I think a big part of it is that I've been slacking, or completely and totally lax might be a better way to put it, in my spiritual life. I haven't done devotions or spent real time with God in I don't know how long. I get devotionals, I program worship music stations onto my radio, I make plans to read the Bible in a year, yet other things almost always seem to interfere or come before those priorities. That, above my weight and above my health even, is the thing I need to get straight first and foremost.

I'm sure that if I were spending time with my Creator that He would show me how much He cares about my health and would give me the motivation I need to take care of myself. That is my first priority and it starts tomorrow morning. I will spend time with God and begin to remember who He is and why my life should revolve around Him. That is the first thing I will get back on track. And hopefully at the same time I'll become more dedicated to changing my habits and lifestyle for the betterment of myself and my ability to serve Him and be a better friend, student, girlfriend, sister, daughter.....and who knows what is to become.

Long time, no post. I blame guilt.

Hello imaginary readers. How is everyone? I know that it has been a long time since I've written a blog post and I have many excuses but none of them are good ones. I haven't been able to continue my colonics appointments because I got a job and started summer school which interfere a good bit with free time to drive to ATL for the appointments. I really want to get back into the habit of going however next weekend my sister surprised me with a sister beach weekend then the next weekend is stephen's surprise bday weekend so it'll be a while before I can.

And if i'm going to be honest with myself and anyone that may read this, I have not been so good about keeping my mostly vegan diet up...i was speaking with someone today and told them that i believe i have an emotional attachment or emotional addiction to food. it's like an ocd compulsion that i have to pile my plate high or order more than i actually need and finish all of it. i need to look into talking with someone about this. it's unhealthy for my body and health physically and emotionally. So the next step i want to take is to make shakes using The Ultimate Meal from Whole Foods and rice milk and protein to make shakes that will replace meals for me. It will have all of the nutrients i would get from healthy foods and the protein will help keep me from getting hungry every 2 hours like I do and hopefully jump start my weight loss because so far nothing really seems to be helping.

I enrolled in Yoga class at school which I'll be taking 5 days a week for an hour and a half for the next month. Hopefully that will help a lot also. I know of people who have drastically lost weight or maintained a healthy weight through yoga. I would also like to look into Zumba classes hopefully that Clemson offers. I love to dance so hopefully that will replace the cardio that I would like to get but am unable to get by running etc.

So....due to everything from lack of will power to being crazy busy to frustration leading to not sticking to my rules, I have backslidden about my diet and working out but I haven't given up. I'm going to try to get bottles and rice milk tomorrow to make the shakes to replace meals and next Monday I begin yoga every day....here's to hoping something starts working soon. This stomach virus I have should help me not eat so much for a day or two...ha. The sad thing is even a stomach virus and being consistently nauseous for 24 hours straight can't stop me from wanting to eat....i really need to look into talking to someone about my emotional eating. Add it to the list of things i never know when i'll get to. I need to write them all out and set a deadline to have them all accomplished by. Hopefully I'll blog again soon and give you all an exciting list of all of the natural supplements i'm taking to try to get my allergies and asthma under control too....it's fun. Peace and Light.
Lana

My date with a hose....

Don't have time to post a long post right now, I'm about to start class, just didn't want anyone to think I wrote one post and was never going to write again. The appointment I was supposed to have yesterday got moved to today at 545 so tonight after that glorious experience I'll be back to write about my iridologist appointment, the book I read that changed a lot, and my colonics appointment today....google it....just not while you're eating. Until tonight!

It All Starts Tomorrow.....

Well, for those of you who are actually going to see this....all 1 of you...and that was an accident...haha this blog is now going to be about me and my journey to be a healthier, more active person and to grow in my relationship with God at the same time. I guess it's kind of like a total body makeover...exercise, diet change, and remodeling my heart and soul at the same time.  :o)  

All of this started maybe about a month or so ago when I just grew sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know that's cliche but it's the truth. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was young however it was more of a random asthma attack every year or so than something that really bothered me. I also have had allergies since I was young..to just about everything. The usual, grass, pollen, cat dander, mold, yada yada. But in highschool I played every sport imaginable (volleyball, basketball, softball, track for one year and cheerleading for basketball one year) and besides some sinus annoyances with the changing seasons and pollen etc nothing really bothered me to the point that I could not continue with my activities and life.

Fast forward about 6 years or so....I'm now going to list every single one of the health problems that I've been dealing with for about the last 4 years maybe? Maybe a little bit less...but at least for the last 2-3 years for sure. This section may sound like a whiny, "woe is me" pity party however I'm only going to list these 1) to have a list to go by to document hopeful changes and improvements, and 2) for anyone who might read this blog to understand just how bad my health has gotten (while obviously it is nowhere near the tragedy some people have to deal with and those people deserve our prayers and compassion everyday) and hopefully the impact that changing your diet, adding exercise, and doing some drastic measures to cleanse your body can have on our lives! So, now onto the wonderful list that is my life:

-asthma: I have apparently developed exercise induced asthma where I react to something I ate earlier that I'm allergic to so when my heart rate goes up and my system "gets moving" I start to react and my lungs close. I can hardly jog a mile to a mile and a half before my lungs start to tighten and hurt and I have to slow down or I'll send myself into an asthma attack. I also in general have trouble breathing in day to day activities. Walking to class, I end up breathing very heavily. I wake up not being able to breathe very well, I have to use my inhaler throughout the day sometimes.

-allergies: My allergies have gotten way out of control lately. It may be due to food allergies, I've been told I'm allergic to gluten and dairy...what was interesting is that I was told that MOST people have a food allergy even if they don't know about it...and usually it is to either gluten or dairy. So if you are having health problems but cannot seem to figure out where they may be coming from, I would look into seeing if you could have a food allergy...you have no idea how much it can mess your system up. However in general, almost anytime I exercise I have an allergic reaction. Along with my lungs closing, I break out into hives all over my body, more concentrated from my scalp to my upper thighs and my whole body itches, My face begins to swell and my eyes and lips swell up. It's painful and very unattractive. I'm actually sitting here right now itching and having some slight trouble breathing. Not sure what it's from this time.

-weight gain: now I'll admit a lot of this may be due to the way I've been eating for the last 2 years or so, but I was also diagnosed with hypothyroid when I was about 12, meaning that my thyroid doesn't work at the rate it should which affects my metabolism, energy, everything. But in about the last 2 years I've gained about 20 pounds and reached a number on the scale that is horrendous. I do not feel that I'm "fat" or not pretty but I am overweight for my age and height and do not feel comfortable in my clothes, which keep getting bigger. A lot of that has to do with my diet but there are other health problems like my thryoid that are attributing to it also.

-no energy: I am constantly tired, I could sleep all day every day if I could. I don't have motivation to go to class, do homework, workout or anything else. I constantly feel drained and even when I get good sleep, which is most nights because I'm always tired, I still have no energy.

 -digestion: Here's where you may learn a little too much about me but this is a major part of why I'm doing what I'm doing so here ya go! My digestion system must not be anywhere close to up to par because I am constantly bloated and the healthy number of, em, movements you're supposed to have a day is 2-3....well that was my numbers for a week....not healthy. 90% of cancers start in the colon. If your system is not working well and you are not regular, the toxins from what we eat, etc, just sits in our system and then leaks back into our bodies which creates free radicals which leads to cancers and other diseases.

....I think those are the main points and the biggest health problems I'm experiencing right now, but this is a daily thing for me. I'm constantly tired and unmotivated, bloated, inconstant and infrequent, itching, can't breathe sometimes when just sitting much less when walking to class or trying to be active, I'm unable to work out, any kind of exercise causes my lungs to close and me to break out into hives and swell. While as I stated earlier these things are miniscule compared to what millions are struggling with, to me, this is no way to live and if there are things I can do about it, I've reached a point where I am fed up with being out of shape, overweight, sluggish and unhealthy and I'm starting the journey towards a healthier, happier, and while I'm working on my physical I'll also be working on my emotional, mental, and spiritual, so a more consecrated and dedicated me! 

To the 1 or 2 of you that may read this in the next 5 years, thanks for following me! This may be more for me to stay dedicated and keep myself accountable, but if it could help someone else or help get someone else interested in changing their lifestyle for the better, yay for that!

It's 12:30am right now and I still have to go do Spanish work so I'll save the rest of what I was going to write about for tomorrow's post. It will be about the appointment I had with an iridologist and the things she told me which confirmed all my thoughts and fears and my appointment with Creative Health tomorrow for my first colonics....google it....but you'll probably gag or have nightmares so brace yourselves. Gnight!

Ticking Time Bomb of Tears

Soooo here's how my day went. Once again talked myself out of going to class. I'm using the excuse that I have a doctor's receipt that will cover the absences so once again I just roll over and go back to sleep. However after that, my day picked up a lot. My dad brought me a ton of stuff so that I can do my whole body cleanse. I'm kind of concerned that it's going to make my asthma and allergies act up even more than usual...and with me trying to run etc it's not going to be pretty..speaking of running, today's fail will be mentioned later. Anywho, so I started my whole body cleanse, the whole process will take about a month and a half...and during this time i'm also considering beginning a vegan diet....maybe some meat here and there...but no dairy and no gluten....my allergies and asthma and weight and health have all gotten out of control...i want to be lean, energetic, healthy, light and strong. Today, however, showed me how far i actually have to go....

My future roomate Mary Ashley told me that she and a friend were going running and asked if I wanted to come along. I told her that I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but that I would go...Irene tagged along with me also. Anywho, we meet MA at Osaka because she wants to "warm up run" through downtown and across campus to a dorm....i didn't realize that she literally meant run...as in book it...not like slowly jog and enjoy the scenery...but literally haulin tail....i don't think i made it half a mile before i had to stop and walk....i tried to jog some along the way because i felt bad knowing they would be at the destination and waiting on me for who knows how long...however for most of that "warm up" i walked....then we met her friend and they started a 3 mile run through a trail....i may have made it another half a mile...MAYBE...and had to stop again....so Irene and i walked perimeter road instead and even doing that i had to stop to use my inhaler twice i think. i don't know if it is because of the bronchitis i'm getting over, or asthma and allergies, or just the fact that i am ten times more out of shape than i thought i was...but i felt pathetic and helpless and bad that irene had to walk beside me when she could have at least made most of the way with MA and her friend.

So determined to feel like I had done some sort of physical activity I came back and Irene and I did a video called Yoga Booty Ballet that included yoga core and goddess booty....yes you read correctly. Then after that we did a different Slim & 6 pack video....so while I have gotten in more physical activity in the past 2 days than I have in the last year, i feel pathetic, wimpy, and angry that i have asthma and allergies which seem to keep me from a lot and randomly my lungs close or i react to something and my face swells and i itch everywhere....i just want to be healthy...to be able to run outside without the cold air closing up my lungs and the smell of mulch to make my allergies flare up....i'm tired of feeling like a sickling....so this has been day 2 of exercise and day 1 of the whole body cleanse....on to the next one.

On another note...i went to small group tonight for the first time since the beginning of the year. I have been wanting to go but basically I've been talking myself out of that like I've been talking myself out of going to class....also being gone from 8 to 1030 every wednesday puts a bit of a toll on me....however i realized tonight how much i have missed it and more than that, how much i have needed it...we talked about Jonah and there's a book I want to read called Redeeming Love that Amber suggested....i wonder if it's like the book Captivating....that is one amazing book. I really want Stephen to read that book and also the book Discovering the Mind of a Woman....I suggest every woman read those books and then have her significant other read them as well. But I ended up having a bit of an emotional break down when they asked for prayer requests and i talked about my family....i know i'm more sensitive than most people but i can't seem to think about my family lately without choking up or crying....i feel so sad and alone and even depressed...a lot because of them....how do you try to hang onto your family and the twisted mangled lines referred to as relationships and hang onto your own sanity and inner strength and self-love at the same time? There is only One who can hold me together in the middle of this...and yet I still haven't spent time with Him today except for small group....how sad is that.
Ohhh Day 2....if i've made any progress towards my goals today it was but a baby step.

Sensitivity May Be The End Of Me

Ugggggh. What is with me lately?! I'm so emotional, feel so lost, so isolated, so out of place. I can be around people with the tv on, internet up and somehow I feel as if I'm in some sort of black hole or in the eye of a tornado. With life happening, swirling, all around me and what have I done with mine lately? I'm slacking off in school, basically convincing myself out of going to class, I've let myself gain 20 pounds and have lost my passion for exercise and sports. I've also slackened in my relationship and personal time with God and I'd be stupid to think that it isn't possibly the root of all of this. I feel as if there's so much I'm supposed to be doing with my life and I'm already so far behind and I'm only 23....where will I be 20 years from now?
How do you start getting your life back on track when you've let it become derailed into seemingly nothingness? I need to literally "get a life" and I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll write out some goals here and some things I can possibly do about them....and we'll see where this goes:

-I am disgusted with the fact that I've let myself get this overweight and eat and drink (as in sodas) like I do and have virtually no physical activity. I'm attempting to register and attend the Cooper River Bridge Run March 27th of this year. I ran one mile today and was huffing and puffing like the dang little engine that couldn't. But I'm supposed to make 6.2 miles in 3 weeks? Yet I ran and worked out today, and I'm running and doing yoga tomorrow...one day at a time is how I'll take it I suppose. Slow and steady wins the race?....or comes in last. after the wheelchairs and kids. I'm also tomorrow beginning a cleanse and at the end of that cleanse will either begin a vegan diet or a fruit, vegetables and protein diet without dairy and lots of meat. I haven't decided yet.

-I don't know why I should feel any joy or excitement when the only One who can give joy or excitement is the One that I've been putting on the backburner lately. I wonder why I feel alone? Because I've been ignoring the only One who's been with me since before I existed. If I don't spend any with Him, why would I be the type of person anyone else wants to spend time with?

-If I'm not involved very much in life, it's no one's fault but my own. I feel like I'm going constantly with school and work (until I got laid off) and driving back and forth to Greenville, whenever I do get a minute or an hour I want to do nothing but lay down or facebook or watch tv....I feel like a grandma getting tired at 930 at night but maybe if I stayed out for small group or FCA even if I was tired in the morning I'd feel better....hopefully diet and exercise change will help me not feel so tired and exhausted. So many things to change, so little motivation and even less will power.

-Okay I know this has been one heck of a debbie downer blog but I needed to get this out and force myself to look at it and what I've let myself become. I need help to come out of this but for now I'll have to turn to the One who never left, and to the one in the mirror.

.....as of right now I am at about 159 pounds, I eat junk food most every day, I drink soda more than water, the most exercise I get is walking to class. I don't think I'm "fat" but I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror or look at pictures or how I feel in my clothes...the numbers on the tags aren't what bother me, it's that even though the numbers are going up they're still too small and I'm not doing anything about it but feeling bad about myself. I don't remember the last time I had a true devotional time with God. And by my 23rd birthday, May 15th of this year, I have a goal of reversing each and every single one of the above statements. Good-bye to Debbie Downer, hello to a healthier, more energetic, more motivated, more joyful, more in love with God, more ME.
Day 1.

I'd Rather Be In The In-Between

Not sure where this title came from, I was just thinking of somewhere I'd rather be than this world which is apparently going down the hole at a more rapid pace every day, and the movie The Lovely Bones popped into my mind and The In-Between looked like a colorful, warm place so I decided that's where I'd like to be at the moment. End of the random story.
Things have been amazingly horrible lately for me. As my beautiful friend Leah says "when it rains it really seems to pour" and indeed it has, at least in my little spot of the world, for the last week or so. Since when do I have to pick and choose who is my friend based on a situation that has nothing to do with me and happened over 2 years ago? Since when do almost strangers know more about my sister's life than I do? Since when is it okay to make plans without a word and leave someone to make choices that will ultimately probably result in them living alone? Since when do my tears and begging to be loved for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, seem to fall invisibly from my eyes? HOWEVER. I am set on not letting this dirt continue to fall on top of me, but to step to the side and allow it to pile up so that i may use it to climb out of this hole that i seem to have fallen into lately. The world can be a beautiful place as long as you make your own sunshine and do not depend on others to make it for you. I refuse to let a relationship with a sweetheart of a girl fall away because of something that shouldn't even be thought of anymore. If my sister, or anyone else, does not desire to have a relationship with me then I will not try to beg to be let into their world. I will love myself for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, not who I have to pretend to be when i am around you so that I am not constantly critiqued, nit-picked, shoulders back, makeup on, high heels, dressier clothes, cover up those tattoos, if you want to get a portrait tattoo of me, wait til i'm dead, workout more, watch your diet, have you done situps?, join a club, study abroad, make new friends......i am lana. i have 4 tattoos and know of 5 more that i want, one of those being part of a half sleeve on my right arm. i like piercings but i guess since i will soon be 23 it is time to show some maturity in my appearance. i HATE high heels. i hate shoes period. i would never wear shoes again if they were not required in public. i am not girly. i hate taking time out to have to dry, curl or straighten my hair and put on makeup. i cannot wait until my hair grows out so that i no longer have to fix it, i can simply wash it and let it air dry and be free to be wild and crazy, curly or straight if i feel like taking the time to do so, which will probably rarely happen. i consider myself to have an inner hippie. i would rather wear comfortable clothes than fashionable clothes. my happiness is not in the activities i participate in, but in the relationships that i have and that i want to make. these things and many, many, many more make up who i am. i love who i am. and if not one other person in this world loves me for these things that are me, i love me. i will work harder to be true to me and not become a chameleon when i go certain places so that i can fit the mold of who i am wanted to morph into. if you wish to critique me, feel free to, just keep it to yourself. i am my own sunshine, and i will continue to shine for me and for those who love me for exactly who i am, nothing more, nothing less. tomorrow is a new day and i will start my ascent out of this hole i have let myself be lowered into. i love life. i will continue to love life and to make the most of it. i will do it in the ways that i wish to do it, not in the ways you think would make me happy or be best for me. i am by no means perfect, i have a long list of things i wish to develop in myself such as organization, will power, self-control, virtuousness and consistency. however to work to develop these things in myself will not change who i am, only better who i am. i have a migraine from the stress and tears of late. i will be taking myself to bed promptly even though i have a paper due and an exam tomorrow, neither of which i have started on. because my health and well being are more important to me than another grade from another person who knows nothing about the real me. and right now i need peace and rest. tomorrow i will start on the work that is set before me. both inwardly and outwardly. and i will make my own sunshine all the while.
forgive the extremely long post.

Aaaand 5 months later....I really have to work on this.

Well friends, this isn't going to be a long blog even though it's been five months since my last one but since I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and have to get up around 630 in the morning and it's 10pm now, I'm about to hit the sack to try to regain at least a sliver of my sanity which I always lose when I don't get sleep. Anywho, I apologize for my absence, it really it shameful. I will try to be more diligent with this, beginning Thursday, since tomorrow I have class, work for 7 hours and then am going to see the musical Wicked with my sister, mom and susan. Hooray for girls' night! I hope everyone is doing well and will update you more on my life and the random, chaotic, over-analytic thought processes of my brain. I know you can't wait. Until Thursday.