I'd Rather Be In The In-Between

Not sure where this title came from, I was just thinking of somewhere I'd rather be than this world which is apparently going down the hole at a more rapid pace every day, and the movie The Lovely Bones popped into my mind and The In-Between looked like a colorful, warm place so I decided that's where I'd like to be at the moment. End of the random story.
Things have been amazingly horrible lately for me. As my beautiful friend Leah says "when it rains it really seems to pour" and indeed it has, at least in my little spot of the world, for the last week or so. Since when do I have to pick and choose who is my friend based on a situation that has nothing to do with me and happened over 2 years ago? Since when do almost strangers know more about my sister's life than I do? Since when is it okay to make plans without a word and leave someone to make choices that will ultimately probably result in them living alone? Since when do my tears and begging to be loved for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, seem to fall invisibly from my eyes? HOWEVER. I am set on not letting this dirt continue to fall on top of me, but to step to the side and allow it to pile up so that i may use it to climb out of this hole that i seem to have fallen into lately. The world can be a beautiful place as long as you make your own sunshine and do not depend on others to make it for you. I refuse to let a relationship with a sweetheart of a girl fall away because of something that shouldn't even be thought of anymore. If my sister, or anyone else, does not desire to have a relationship with me then I will not try to beg to be let into their world. I will love myself for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, not who I have to pretend to be when i am around you so that I am not constantly critiqued, nit-picked, shoulders back, makeup on, high heels, dressier clothes, cover up those tattoos, if you want to get a portrait tattoo of me, wait til i'm dead, workout more, watch your diet, have you done situps?, join a club, study abroad, make new friends......i am lana. i have 4 tattoos and know of 5 more that i want, one of those being part of a half sleeve on my right arm. i like piercings but i guess since i will soon be 23 it is time to show some maturity in my appearance. i HATE high heels. i hate shoes period. i would never wear shoes again if they were not required in public. i am not girly. i hate taking time out to have to dry, curl or straighten my hair and put on makeup. i cannot wait until my hair grows out so that i no longer have to fix it, i can simply wash it and let it air dry and be free to be wild and crazy, curly or straight if i feel like taking the time to do so, which will probably rarely happen. i consider myself to have an inner hippie. i would rather wear comfortable clothes than fashionable clothes. my happiness is not in the activities i participate in, but in the relationships that i have and that i want to make. these things and many, many, many more make up who i am. i love who i am. and if not one other person in this world loves me for these things that are me, i love me. i will work harder to be true to me and not become a chameleon when i go certain places so that i can fit the mold of who i am wanted to morph into. if you wish to critique me, feel free to, just keep it to yourself. i am my own sunshine, and i will continue to shine for me and for those who love me for exactly who i am, nothing more, nothing less. tomorrow is a new day and i will start my ascent out of this hole i have let myself be lowered into. i love life. i will continue to love life and to make the most of it. i will do it in the ways that i wish to do it, not in the ways you think would make me happy or be best for me. i am by no means perfect, i have a long list of things i wish to develop in myself such as organization, will power, self-control, virtuousness and consistency. however to work to develop these things in myself will not change who i am, only better who i am. i have a migraine from the stress and tears of late. i will be taking myself to bed promptly even though i have a paper due and an exam tomorrow, neither of which i have started on. because my health and well being are more important to me than another grade from another person who knows nothing about the real me. and right now i need peace and rest. tomorrow i will start on the work that is set before me. both inwardly and outwardly. and i will make my own sunshine all the while.
forgive the extremely long post.