I am completely broken and emptied and numb inside. Yesterday, December 9, 2010 has become the newest, worst day of my life. My family has been ripped apart and my heart has been shattered. Christmas has been ruined and that is hard to do because it is usually the time of year when I am most at peace and my heart is the most joyful. I do not think that I should post details of the situation right now as it has only been 24 hours and I do not know exactly what is going to transpire from all of this. What I do know is that my life is changed forever and I feel empty and broken and numb and angry and heart broken and confused and surreal and lost. I don't even know if or how we'll have Christmas this year. I don't know where everyone will be or where we will put presents or open presents or have dinner, if we have dinner. I was so looking forward to my last exam in school being today so that I could relax and begin to clean and pack everything up to go home for the break, now all of that is changed and I guess I will be spending most of the break here in the ghost town Clemson becomes over Christmas. This will be the most horrible holiday season I've ever had. I hate sounding so down and pessimistic but I can't explain the confusion, hurt and helplessness that I feel and I've never known what it felt like to not have anywhere to go for Christmas or to have your family separated and not talking or not knowing where you'll be Christmas morning. A friend sent me this scripture that I feel is the only thing giving me light in this situation.
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21
This Psalm is pretty much the story of the bad experiences of my life summed up. It seems that I can't catch a break and when I'm trying to move forward and better myself and get closer to God that's when the worst things happen and the things hardest to overcome show up again. However what happened yesterday is something completely new and different from the other situations I've had to try to overcome in my life before. I don't know how to function like this, I can't think straight, I can't focus, I'm pretty sure I failed my Spanish exam, I have to stop myself from crying at random times, I just feel like a lost, helpless little kid again. I don't know just how drastically my life is going to change from this or where I'll be a few weeks or months from now, but I know that it will never be the same and I think from now on it will always be a little bit worse. I can only pray that God somehow comforts me and gives me the strength I need to come through this and be a comfort to my mom and my sister and I guess somehow to my dad as well. This whole situation is so messed up. I'm finished venting for now, I need to go get ready, my mom and I are going away for a day or so to try to have her distracted from what's going on. I know that this post is confusing and very down but I needed to vent because as of right now no one is really talking about what happened or what will happen and I can't just sit here thinking about it inside my mind. So thank you, blog, for being my outlet right now. God give my family strength and comfort and peace beyond our understanding. You are the only one who can reach us in this mess.
