What do you do when you've got 20-30 lbs to lose, food allergies to gluten and dairy that you're pretty much unwilling to adjust to, an obvious emotional attachment to food and zero will power to workout or stay committed to exercise and have to talk yourself into going to your yoga class that you have to go to because you're being graded and that's the only way you can make yourself go consistently? Yep. Kind of sad, huh. Welcome to my life. I know that this sounds like a pity party but maybe in my mind I think that if I write this out and someone else reads it maybe that will make me feel bad enough to do something? Heck, who am I kidding.
You know how they say you can't make anyone change or do something until they want to for themselves? Well I've always believed in that but I don't know what else in the world i would need for it to be enough for me. I've gained 30 lbs in a year, can't run due to asthma and food allergies that I could maybe not cure but definitely help, i have no energy probably because of the foods I eat and the fact that I don't exercise. I used to play almost every sport in highschool....volleyball, softball, basketball, track, one season of cheerleading. And although I've never been good with diets or staying away from foods that taste soooo good but that are soooo bad for you, something's happened in the last year that has caused me to gain this weight. I've been told my adrenal gland doesn't work, that I basically don't have a thyroid, that food allergies are messing up my system....and I've been given all natural supplements to help all of it...and what do I do? The supplements sit in my car and I take them once every now and then, still eat gluten and dairy almost daily and will go into exercise mode hardcore for a few weeks and then something will happen and I won't exercise again for a month or so.
This really does sound more like a pity party than anything else....I'm just disappointed in myself and pretty ashamed of who I've let myself turn into and I'm hoping to turn this around. I don't know how because I apparently still don't have enough motivation and will power to do what I need to do, but maybe putting all this down and forcing me to read it will help some. I think that if I could get committed to this and it became a daily part of my life that I would become more diligent and dedicated in other areas of my life. I think a big part of it is that I've been slacking, or completely and totally lax might be a better way to put it, in my spiritual life. I haven't done devotions or spent real time with God in I don't know how long. I get devotionals, I program worship music stations onto my radio, I make plans to read the Bible in a year, yet other things almost always seem to interfere or come before those priorities. That, above my weight and above my health even, is the thing I need to get straight first and foremost.
I'm sure that if I were spending time with my Creator that He would show me how much He cares about my health and would give me the motivation I need to take care of myself. That is my first priority and it starts tomorrow morning. I will spend time with God and begin to remember who He is and why my life should revolve around Him. That is the first thing I will get back on track. And hopefully at the same time I'll become more dedicated to changing my habits and lifestyle for the betterment of myself and my ability to serve Him and be a better friend, student, girlfriend, sister, daughter.....and who knows what is to become.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Long time, no post. I blame guilt.
Hello imaginary readers. How is everyone? I know that it has been a long time since I've written a blog post and I have many excuses but none of them are good ones. I haven't been able to continue my colonics appointments because I got a job and started summer school which interfere a good bit with free time to drive to ATL for the appointments. I really want to get back into the habit of going however next weekend my sister surprised me with a sister beach weekend then the next weekend is stephen's surprise bday weekend so it'll be a while before I can.
And if i'm going to be honest with myself and anyone that may read this, I have not been so good about keeping my mostly vegan diet up...i was speaking with someone today and told them that i believe i have an emotional attachment or emotional addiction to food. it's like an ocd compulsion that i have to pile my plate high or order more than i actually need and finish all of it. i need to look into talking with someone about this. it's unhealthy for my body and health physically and emotionally. So the next step i want to take is to make shakes using The Ultimate Meal from Whole Foods and rice milk and protein to make shakes that will replace meals for me. It will have all of the nutrients i would get from healthy foods and the protein will help keep me from getting hungry every 2 hours like I do and hopefully jump start my weight loss because so far nothing really seems to be helping.
I enrolled in Yoga class at school which I'll be taking 5 days a week for an hour and a half for the next month. Hopefully that will help a lot also. I know of people who have drastically lost weight or maintained a healthy weight through yoga. I would also like to look into Zumba classes hopefully that Clemson offers. I love to dance so hopefully that will replace the cardio that I would like to get but am unable to get by running etc.
So....due to everything from lack of will power to being crazy busy to frustration leading to not sticking to my rules, I have backslidden about my diet and working out but I haven't given up. I'm going to try to get bottles and rice milk tomorrow to make the shakes to replace meals and next Monday I begin yoga every day....here's to hoping something starts working soon. This stomach virus I have should help me not eat so much for a day or two...ha. The sad thing is even a stomach virus and being consistently nauseous for 24 hours straight can't stop me from wanting to eat....i really need to look into talking to someone about my emotional eating. Add it to the list of things i never know when i'll get to. I need to write them all out and set a deadline to have them all accomplished by. Hopefully I'll blog again soon and give you all an exciting list of all of the natural supplements i'm taking to try to get my allergies and asthma under control too....it's fun. Peace and Light.
Lana
And if i'm going to be honest with myself and anyone that may read this, I have not been so good about keeping my mostly vegan diet up...i was speaking with someone today and told them that i believe i have an emotional attachment or emotional addiction to food. it's like an ocd compulsion that i have to pile my plate high or order more than i actually need and finish all of it. i need to look into talking with someone about this. it's unhealthy for my body and health physically and emotionally. So the next step i want to take is to make shakes using The Ultimate Meal from Whole Foods and rice milk and protein to make shakes that will replace meals for me. It will have all of the nutrients i would get from healthy foods and the protein will help keep me from getting hungry every 2 hours like I do and hopefully jump start my weight loss because so far nothing really seems to be helping.
I enrolled in Yoga class at school which I'll be taking 5 days a week for an hour and a half for the next month. Hopefully that will help a lot also. I know of people who have drastically lost weight or maintained a healthy weight through yoga. I would also like to look into Zumba classes hopefully that Clemson offers. I love to dance so hopefully that will replace the cardio that I would like to get but am unable to get by running etc.
So....due to everything from lack of will power to being crazy busy to frustration leading to not sticking to my rules, I have backslidden about my diet and working out but I haven't given up. I'm going to try to get bottles and rice milk tomorrow to make the shakes to replace meals and next Monday I begin yoga every day....here's to hoping something starts working soon. This stomach virus I have should help me not eat so much for a day or two...ha. The sad thing is even a stomach virus and being consistently nauseous for 24 hours straight can't stop me from wanting to eat....i really need to look into talking to someone about my emotional eating. Add it to the list of things i never know when i'll get to. I need to write them all out and set a deadline to have them all accomplished by. Hopefully I'll blog again soon and give you all an exciting list of all of the natural supplements i'm taking to try to get my allergies and asthma under control too....it's fun. Peace and Light.
Lana
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My date with a hose....
Don't have time to post a long post right now, I'm about to start class, just didn't want anyone to think I wrote one post and was never going to write again. The appointment I was supposed to have yesterday got moved to today at 545 so tonight after that glorious experience I'll be back to write about my iridologist appointment, the book I read that changed a lot, and my colonics appointment today....google it....just not while you're eating. Until tonight!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It All Starts Tomorrow.....
Well, for those of you who are actually going to see this....all 1 of you...and that was an accident...haha this blog is now going to be about me and my journey to be a healthier, more active person and to grow in my relationship with God at the same time. I guess it's kind of like a total body makeover...exercise, diet change, and remodeling my heart and soul at the same time. :o)
All of this started maybe about a month or so ago when I just grew sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know that's cliche but it's the truth. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was young however it was more of a random asthma attack every year or so than something that really bothered me. I also have had allergies since I was young..to just about everything. The usual, grass, pollen, cat dander, mold, yada yada. But in highschool I played every sport imaginable (volleyball, basketball, softball, track for one year and cheerleading for basketball one year) and besides some sinus annoyances with the changing seasons and pollen etc nothing really bothered me to the point that I could not continue with my activities and life.
Fast forward about 6 years or so....I'm now going to list every single one of the health problems that I've been dealing with for about the last 4 years maybe? Maybe a little bit less...but at least for the last 2-3 years for sure. This section may sound like a whiny, "woe is me" pity party however I'm only going to list these 1) to have a list to go by to document hopeful changes and improvements, and 2) for anyone who might read this blog to understand just how bad my health has gotten (while obviously it is nowhere near the tragedy some people have to deal with and those people deserve our prayers and compassion everyday) and hopefully the impact that changing your diet, adding exercise, and doing some drastic measures to cleanse your body can have on our lives! So, now onto the wonderful list that is my life:
It's 12:30am right now and I still have to go do Spanish work so I'll save the rest of what I was going to write about for tomorrow's post. It will be about the appointment I had with an iridologist and the things she told me which confirmed all my thoughts and fears and my appointment with Creative Health tomorrow for my first colonics....google it....but you'll probably gag or have nightmares so brace yourselves. Gnight!
All of this started maybe about a month or so ago when I just grew sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know that's cliche but it's the truth. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was young however it was more of a random asthma attack every year or so than something that really bothered me. I also have had allergies since I was young..to just about everything. The usual, grass, pollen, cat dander, mold, yada yada. But in highschool I played every sport imaginable (volleyball, basketball, softball, track for one year and cheerleading for basketball one year) and besides some sinus annoyances with the changing seasons and pollen etc nothing really bothered me to the point that I could not continue with my activities and life.
Fast forward about 6 years or so....I'm now going to list every single one of the health problems that I've been dealing with for about the last 4 years maybe? Maybe a little bit less...but at least for the last 2-3 years for sure. This section may sound like a whiny, "woe is me" pity party however I'm only going to list these 1) to have a list to go by to document hopeful changes and improvements, and 2) for anyone who might read this blog to understand just how bad my health has gotten (while obviously it is nowhere near the tragedy some people have to deal with and those people deserve our prayers and compassion everyday) and hopefully the impact that changing your diet, adding exercise, and doing some drastic measures to cleanse your body can have on our lives! So, now onto the wonderful list that is my life:
-asthma: I have apparently developed exercise induced asthma where I react to something I ate earlier that I'm allergic to so when my heart rate goes up and my system "gets moving" I start to react and my lungs close. I can hardly jog a mile to a mile and a half before my lungs start to tighten and hurt and I have to slow down or I'll send myself into an asthma attack. I also in general have trouble breathing in day to day activities. Walking to class, I end up breathing very heavily. I wake up not being able to breathe very well, I have to use my inhaler throughout the day sometimes.
-allergies: My allergies have gotten way out of control lately. It may be due to food allergies, I've been told I'm allergic to gluten and dairy...what was interesting is that I was told that MOST people have a food allergy even if they don't know about it...and usually it is to either gluten or dairy. So if you are having health problems but cannot seem to figure out where they may be coming from, I would look into seeing if you could have a food allergy...you have no idea how much it can mess your system up. However in general, almost anytime I exercise I have an allergic reaction. Along with my lungs closing, I break out into hives all over my body, more concentrated from my scalp to my upper thighs and my whole body itches, My face begins to swell and my eyes and lips swell up. It's painful and very unattractive. I'm actually sitting here right now itching and having some slight trouble breathing. Not sure what it's from this time.
-weight gain: now I'll admit a lot of this may be due to the way I've been eating for the last 2 years or so, but I was also diagnosed with hypothyroid when I was about 12, meaning that my thyroid doesn't work at the rate it should which affects my metabolism, energy, everything. But in about the last 2 years I've gained about 20 pounds and reached a number on the scale that is horrendous. I do not feel that I'm "fat" or not pretty but I am overweight for my age and height and do not feel comfortable in my clothes, which keep getting bigger. A lot of that has to do with my diet but there are other health problems like my thryoid that are attributing to it also.
-no energy: I am constantly tired, I could sleep all day every day if I could. I don't have motivation to go to class, do homework, workout or anything else. I constantly feel drained and even when I get good sleep, which is most nights because I'm always tired, I still have no energy.
-digestion: Here's where you may learn a little too much about me but this is a major part of why I'm doing what I'm doing so here ya go! My digestion system must not be anywhere close to up to par because I am constantly bloated and the healthy number of, em, movements you're supposed to have a day is 2-3....well that was my numbers for a week....not healthy. 90% of cancers start in the colon. If your system is not working well and you are not regular, the toxins from what we eat, etc, just sits in our system and then leaks back into our bodies which creates free radicals which leads to cancers and other diseases.
....I think those are the main points and the biggest health problems I'm experiencing right now, but this is a daily thing for me. I'm constantly tired and unmotivated, bloated, inconstant and infrequent, itching, can't breathe sometimes when just sitting much less when walking to class or trying to be active, I'm unable to work out, any kind of exercise causes my lungs to close and me to break out into hives and swell. While as I stated earlier these things are miniscule compared to what millions are struggling with, to me, this is no way to live and if there are things I can do about it, I've reached a point where I am fed up with being out of shape, overweight, sluggish and unhealthy and I'm starting the journey towards a healthier, happier, and while I'm working on my physical I'll also be working on my emotional, mental, and spiritual, so a more consecrated and dedicated me!
To the 1 or 2 of you that may read this in the next 5 years, thanks for following me! This may be more for me to stay dedicated and keep myself accountable, but if it could help someone else or help get someone else interested in changing their lifestyle for the better, yay for that!
It's 12:30am right now and I still have to go do Spanish work so I'll save the rest of what I was going to write about for tomorrow's post. It will be about the appointment I had with an iridologist and the things she told me which confirmed all my thoughts and fears and my appointment with Creative Health tomorrow for my first colonics....google it....but you'll probably gag or have nightmares so brace yourselves. Gnight!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ticking Time Bomb of Tears
Soooo here's how my day went. Once again talked myself out of going to class. I'm using the excuse that I have a doctor's receipt that will cover the absences so once again I just roll over and go back to sleep. However after that, my day picked up a lot. My dad brought me a ton of stuff so that I can do my whole body cleanse. I'm kind of concerned that it's going to make my asthma and allergies act up even more than usual...and with me trying to run etc it's not going to be pretty..speaking of running, today's fail will be mentioned later. Anywho, so I started my whole body cleanse, the whole process will take about a month and a half...and during this time i'm also considering beginning a vegan diet....maybe some meat here and there...but no dairy and no gluten....my allergies and asthma and weight and health have all gotten out of control...i want to be lean, energetic, healthy, light and strong. Today, however, showed me how far i actually have to go....
My future roomate Mary Ashley told me that she and a friend were going running and asked if I wanted to come along. I told her that I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but that I would go...Irene tagged along with me also. Anywho, we meet MA at Osaka because she wants to "warm up run" through downtown and across campus to a dorm....i didn't realize that she literally meant run...as in book it...not like slowly jog and enjoy the scenery...but literally haulin tail....i don't think i made it half a mile before i had to stop and walk....i tried to jog some along the way because i felt bad knowing they would be at the destination and waiting on me for who knows how long...however for most of that "warm up" i walked....then we met her friend and they started a 3 mile run through a trail....i may have made it another half a mile...MAYBE...and had to stop again....so Irene and i walked perimeter road instead and even doing that i had to stop to use my inhaler twice i think. i don't know if it is because of the bronchitis i'm getting over, or asthma and allergies, or just the fact that i am ten times more out of shape than i thought i was...but i felt pathetic and helpless and bad that irene had to walk beside me when she could have at least made most of the way with MA and her friend.
So determined to feel like I had done some sort of physical activity I came back and Irene and I did a video called Yoga Booty Ballet that included yoga core and goddess booty....yes you read correctly. Then after that we did a different Slim & 6 pack video....so while I have gotten in more physical activity in the past 2 days than I have in the last year, i feel pathetic, wimpy, and angry that i have asthma and allergies which seem to keep me from a lot and randomly my lungs close or i react to something and my face swells and i itch everywhere....i just want to be healthy...to be able to run outside without the cold air closing up my lungs and the smell of mulch to make my allergies flare up....i'm tired of feeling like a sickling....so this has been day 2 of exercise and day 1 of the whole body cleanse....on to the next one.
On another note...i went to small group tonight for the first time since the beginning of the year. I have been wanting to go but basically I've been talking myself out of that like I've been talking myself out of going to class....also being gone from 8 to 1030 every wednesday puts a bit of a toll on me....however i realized tonight how much i have missed it and more than that, how much i have needed it...we talked about Jonah and there's a book I want to read called Redeeming Love that Amber suggested....i wonder if it's like the book Captivating....that is one amazing book. I really want Stephen to read that book and also the book Discovering the Mind of a Woman....I suggest every woman read those books and then have her significant other read them as well. But I ended up having a bit of an emotional break down when they asked for prayer requests and i talked about my family....i know i'm more sensitive than most people but i can't seem to think about my family lately without choking up or crying....i feel so sad and alone and even depressed...a lot because of them....how do you try to hang onto your family and the twisted mangled lines referred to as relationships and hang onto your own sanity and inner strength and self-love at the same time? There is only One who can hold me together in the middle of this...and yet I still haven't spent time with Him today except for small group....how sad is that.
Ohhh Day 2....if i've made any progress towards my goals today it was but a baby step.
My future roomate Mary Ashley told me that she and a friend were going running and asked if I wanted to come along. I told her that I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but that I would go...Irene tagged along with me also. Anywho, we meet MA at Osaka because she wants to "warm up run" through downtown and across campus to a dorm....i didn't realize that she literally meant run...as in book it...not like slowly jog and enjoy the scenery...but literally haulin tail....i don't think i made it half a mile before i had to stop and walk....i tried to jog some along the way because i felt bad knowing they would be at the destination and waiting on me for who knows how long...however for most of that "warm up" i walked....then we met her friend and they started a 3 mile run through a trail....i may have made it another half a mile...MAYBE...and had to stop again....so Irene and i walked perimeter road instead and even doing that i had to stop to use my inhaler twice i think. i don't know if it is because of the bronchitis i'm getting over, or asthma and allergies, or just the fact that i am ten times more out of shape than i thought i was...but i felt pathetic and helpless and bad that irene had to walk beside me when she could have at least made most of the way with MA and her friend.
So determined to feel like I had done some sort of physical activity I came back and Irene and I did a video called Yoga Booty Ballet that included yoga core and goddess booty....yes you read correctly. Then after that we did a different Slim & 6 pack video....so while I have gotten in more physical activity in the past 2 days than I have in the last year, i feel pathetic, wimpy, and angry that i have asthma and allergies which seem to keep me from a lot and randomly my lungs close or i react to something and my face swells and i itch everywhere....i just want to be healthy...to be able to run outside without the cold air closing up my lungs and the smell of mulch to make my allergies flare up....i'm tired of feeling like a sickling....so this has been day 2 of exercise and day 1 of the whole body cleanse....on to the next one.
On another note...i went to small group tonight for the first time since the beginning of the year. I have been wanting to go but basically I've been talking myself out of that like I've been talking myself out of going to class....also being gone from 8 to 1030 every wednesday puts a bit of a toll on me....however i realized tonight how much i have missed it and more than that, how much i have needed it...we talked about Jonah and there's a book I want to read called Redeeming Love that Amber suggested....i wonder if it's like the book Captivating....that is one amazing book. I really want Stephen to read that book and also the book Discovering the Mind of a Woman....I suggest every woman read those books and then have her significant other read them as well. But I ended up having a bit of an emotional break down when they asked for prayer requests and i talked about my family....i know i'm more sensitive than most people but i can't seem to think about my family lately without choking up or crying....i feel so sad and alone and even depressed...a lot because of them....how do you try to hang onto your family and the twisted mangled lines referred to as relationships and hang onto your own sanity and inner strength and self-love at the same time? There is only One who can hold me together in the middle of this...and yet I still haven't spent time with Him today except for small group....how sad is that.
Ohhh Day 2....if i've made any progress towards my goals today it was but a baby step.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sensitivity May Be The End Of Me
Ugggggh. What is with me lately?! I'm so emotional, feel so lost, so isolated, so out of place. I can be around people with the tv on, internet up and somehow I feel as if I'm in some sort of black hole or in the eye of a tornado. With life happening, swirling, all around me and what have I done with mine lately? I'm slacking off in school, basically convincing myself out of going to class, I've let myself gain 20 pounds and have lost my passion for exercise and sports. I've also slackened in my relationship and personal time with God and I'd be stupid to think that it isn't possibly the root of all of this. I feel as if there's so much I'm supposed to be doing with my life and I'm already so far behind and I'm only 23....where will I be 20 years from now?
How do you start getting your life back on track when you've let it become derailed into seemingly nothingness? I need to literally "get a life" and I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll write out some goals here and some things I can possibly do about them....and we'll see where this goes:
-I am disgusted with the fact that I've let myself get this overweight and eat and drink (as in sodas) like I do and have virtually no physical activity. I'm attempting to register and attend the Cooper River Bridge Run March 27th of this year. I ran one mile today and was huffing and puffing like the dang little engine that couldn't. But I'm supposed to make 6.2 miles in 3 weeks? Yet I ran and worked out today, and I'm running and doing yoga tomorrow...one day at a time is how I'll take it I suppose. Slow and steady wins the race?....or comes in last. after the wheelchairs and kids. I'm also tomorrow beginning a cleanse and at the end of that cleanse will either begin a vegan diet or a fruit, vegetables and protein diet without dairy and lots of meat. I haven't decided yet.
-I don't know why I should feel any joy or excitement when the only One who can give joy or excitement is the One that I've been putting on the backburner lately. I wonder why I feel alone? Because I've been ignoring the only One who's been with me since before I existed. If I don't spend any with Him, why would I be the type of person anyone else wants to spend time with?
-If I'm not involved very much in life, it's no one's fault but my own. I feel like I'm going constantly with school and work (until I got laid off) and driving back and forth to Greenville, whenever I do get a minute or an hour I want to do nothing but lay down or facebook or watch tv....I feel like a grandma getting tired at 930 at night but maybe if I stayed out for small group or FCA even if I was tired in the morning I'd feel better....hopefully diet and exercise change will help me not feel so tired and exhausted. So many things to change, so little motivation and even less will power.
-Okay I know this has been one heck of a debbie downer blog but I needed to get this out and force myself to look at it and what I've let myself become. I need help to come out of this but for now I'll have to turn to the One who never left, and to the one in the mirror.
.....as of right now I am at about 159 pounds, I eat junk food most every day, I drink soda more than water, the most exercise I get is walking to class. I don't think I'm "fat" but I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror or look at pictures or how I feel in my clothes...the numbers on the tags aren't what bother me, it's that even though the numbers are going up they're still too small and I'm not doing anything about it but feeling bad about myself. I don't remember the last time I had a true devotional time with God. And by my 23rd birthday, May 15th of this year, I have a goal of reversing each and every single one of the above statements. Good-bye to Debbie Downer, hello to a healthier, more energetic, more motivated, more joyful, more in love with God, more ME.
Day 1.
How do you start getting your life back on track when you've let it become derailed into seemingly nothingness? I need to literally "get a life" and I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll write out some goals here and some things I can possibly do about them....and we'll see where this goes:
-I am disgusted with the fact that I've let myself get this overweight and eat and drink (as in sodas) like I do and have virtually no physical activity. I'm attempting to register and attend the Cooper River Bridge Run March 27th of this year. I ran one mile today and was huffing and puffing like the dang little engine that couldn't. But I'm supposed to make 6.2 miles in 3 weeks? Yet I ran and worked out today, and I'm running and doing yoga tomorrow...one day at a time is how I'll take it I suppose. Slow and steady wins the race?....or comes in last. after the wheelchairs and kids. I'm also tomorrow beginning a cleanse and at the end of that cleanse will either begin a vegan diet or a fruit, vegetables and protein diet without dairy and lots of meat. I haven't decided yet.
-I don't know why I should feel any joy or excitement when the only One who can give joy or excitement is the One that I've been putting on the backburner lately. I wonder why I feel alone? Because I've been ignoring the only One who's been with me since before I existed. If I don't spend any with Him, why would I be the type of person anyone else wants to spend time with?
-If I'm not involved very much in life, it's no one's fault but my own. I feel like I'm going constantly with school and work (until I got laid off) and driving back and forth to Greenville, whenever I do get a minute or an hour I want to do nothing but lay down or facebook or watch tv....I feel like a grandma getting tired at 930 at night but maybe if I stayed out for small group or FCA even if I was tired in the morning I'd feel better....hopefully diet and exercise change will help me not feel so tired and exhausted. So many things to change, so little motivation and even less will power.
-Okay I know this has been one heck of a debbie downer blog but I needed to get this out and force myself to look at it and what I've let myself become. I need help to come out of this but for now I'll have to turn to the One who never left, and to the one in the mirror.
.....as of right now I am at about 159 pounds, I eat junk food most every day, I drink soda more than water, the most exercise I get is walking to class. I don't think I'm "fat" but I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror or look at pictures or how I feel in my clothes...the numbers on the tags aren't what bother me, it's that even though the numbers are going up they're still too small and I'm not doing anything about it but feeling bad about myself. I don't remember the last time I had a true devotional time with God. And by my 23rd birthday, May 15th of this year, I have a goal of reversing each and every single one of the above statements. Good-bye to Debbie Downer, hello to a healthier, more energetic, more motivated, more joyful, more in love with God, more ME.
Day 1.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I'd Rather Be In The In-Between
Not sure where this title came from, I was just thinking of somewhere I'd rather be than this world which is apparently going down the hole at a more rapid pace every day, and the movie The Lovely Bones popped into my mind and The In-Between looked like a colorful, warm place so I decided that's where I'd like to be at the moment. End of the random story.
Things have been amazingly horrible lately for me. As my beautiful friend Leah says "when it rains it really seems to pour" and indeed it has, at least in my little spot of the world, for the last week or so. Since when do I have to pick and choose who is my friend based on a situation that has nothing to do with me and happened over 2 years ago? Since when do almost strangers know more about my sister's life than I do? Since when is it okay to make plans without a word and leave someone to make choices that will ultimately probably result in them living alone? Since when do my tears and begging to be loved for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, seem to fall invisibly from my eyes? HOWEVER. I am set on not letting this dirt continue to fall on top of me, but to step to the side and allow it to pile up so that i may use it to climb out of this hole that i seem to have fallen into lately. The world can be a beautiful place as long as you make your own sunshine and do not depend on others to make it for you. I refuse to let a relationship with a sweetheart of a girl fall away because of something that shouldn't even be thought of anymore. If my sister, or anyone else, does not desire to have a relationship with me then I will not try to beg to be let into their world. I will love myself for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, not who I have to pretend to be when i am around you so that I am not constantly critiqued, nit-picked, shoulders back, makeup on, high heels, dressier clothes, cover up those tattoos, if you want to get a portrait tattoo of me, wait til i'm dead, workout more, watch your diet, have you done situps?, join a club, study abroad, make new friends......i am lana. i have 4 tattoos and know of 5 more that i want, one of those being part of a half sleeve on my right arm. i like piercings but i guess since i will soon be 23 it is time to show some maturity in my appearance. i HATE high heels. i hate shoes period. i would never wear shoes again if they were not required in public. i am not girly. i hate taking time out to have to dry, curl or straighten my hair and put on makeup. i cannot wait until my hair grows out so that i no longer have to fix it, i can simply wash it and let it air dry and be free to be wild and crazy, curly or straight if i feel like taking the time to do so, which will probably rarely happen. i consider myself to have an inner hippie. i would rather wear comfortable clothes than fashionable clothes. my happiness is not in the activities i participate in, but in the relationships that i have and that i want to make. these things and many, many, many more make up who i am. i love who i am. and if not one other person in this world loves me for these things that are me, i love me. i will work harder to be true to me and not become a chameleon when i go certain places so that i can fit the mold of who i am wanted to morph into. if you wish to critique me, feel free to, just keep it to yourself. i am my own sunshine, and i will continue to shine for me and for those who love me for exactly who i am, nothing more, nothing less. tomorrow is a new day and i will start my ascent out of this hole i have let myself be lowered into. i love life. i will continue to love life and to make the most of it. i will do it in the ways that i wish to do it, not in the ways you think would make me happy or be best for me. i am by no means perfect, i have a long list of things i wish to develop in myself such as organization, will power, self-control, virtuousness and consistency. however to work to develop these things in myself will not change who i am, only better who i am. i have a migraine from the stress and tears of late. i will be taking myself to bed promptly even though i have a paper due and an exam tomorrow, neither of which i have started on. because my health and well being are more important to me than another grade from another person who knows nothing about the real me. and right now i need peace and rest. tomorrow i will start on the work that is set before me. both inwardly and outwardly. and i will make my own sunshine all the while.
forgive the extremely long post.
Things have been amazingly horrible lately for me. As my beautiful friend Leah says "when it rains it really seems to pour" and indeed it has, at least in my little spot of the world, for the last week or so. Since when do I have to pick and choose who is my friend based on a situation that has nothing to do with me and happened over 2 years ago? Since when do almost strangers know more about my sister's life than I do? Since when is it okay to make plans without a word and leave someone to make choices that will ultimately probably result in them living alone? Since when do my tears and begging to be loved for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, seem to fall invisibly from my eyes? HOWEVER. I am set on not letting this dirt continue to fall on top of me, but to step to the side and allow it to pile up so that i may use it to climb out of this hole that i seem to have fallen into lately. The world can be a beautiful place as long as you make your own sunshine and do not depend on others to make it for you. I refuse to let a relationship with a sweetheart of a girl fall away because of something that shouldn't even be thought of anymore. If my sister, or anyone else, does not desire to have a relationship with me then I will not try to beg to be let into their world. I will love myself for who I am, not who I am wanted to become, not who I have to pretend to be when i am around you so that I am not constantly critiqued, nit-picked, shoulders back, makeup on, high heels, dressier clothes, cover up those tattoos, if you want to get a portrait tattoo of me, wait til i'm dead, workout more, watch your diet, have you done situps?, join a club, study abroad, make new friends......i am lana. i have 4 tattoos and know of 5 more that i want, one of those being part of a half sleeve on my right arm. i like piercings but i guess since i will soon be 23 it is time to show some maturity in my appearance. i HATE high heels. i hate shoes period. i would never wear shoes again if they were not required in public. i am not girly. i hate taking time out to have to dry, curl or straighten my hair and put on makeup. i cannot wait until my hair grows out so that i no longer have to fix it, i can simply wash it and let it air dry and be free to be wild and crazy, curly or straight if i feel like taking the time to do so, which will probably rarely happen. i consider myself to have an inner hippie. i would rather wear comfortable clothes than fashionable clothes. my happiness is not in the activities i participate in, but in the relationships that i have and that i want to make. these things and many, many, many more make up who i am. i love who i am. and if not one other person in this world loves me for these things that are me, i love me. i will work harder to be true to me and not become a chameleon when i go certain places so that i can fit the mold of who i am wanted to morph into. if you wish to critique me, feel free to, just keep it to yourself. i am my own sunshine, and i will continue to shine for me and for those who love me for exactly who i am, nothing more, nothing less. tomorrow is a new day and i will start my ascent out of this hole i have let myself be lowered into. i love life. i will continue to love life and to make the most of it. i will do it in the ways that i wish to do it, not in the ways you think would make me happy or be best for me. i am by no means perfect, i have a long list of things i wish to develop in myself such as organization, will power, self-control, virtuousness and consistency. however to work to develop these things in myself will not change who i am, only better who i am. i have a migraine from the stress and tears of late. i will be taking myself to bed promptly even though i have a paper due and an exam tomorrow, neither of which i have started on. because my health and well being are more important to me than another grade from another person who knows nothing about the real me. and right now i need peace and rest. tomorrow i will start on the work that is set before me. both inwardly and outwardly. and i will make my own sunshine all the while.
forgive the extremely long post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
