Sensitivity May Be The End Of Me

Ugggggh. What is with me lately?! I'm so emotional, feel so lost, so isolated, so out of place. I can be around people with the tv on, internet up and somehow I feel as if I'm in some sort of black hole or in the eye of a tornado. With life happening, swirling, all around me and what have I done with mine lately? I'm slacking off in school, basically convincing myself out of going to class, I've let myself gain 20 pounds and have lost my passion for exercise and sports. I've also slackened in my relationship and personal time with God and I'd be stupid to think that it isn't possibly the root of all of this. I feel as if there's so much I'm supposed to be doing with my life and I'm already so far behind and I'm only 23....where will I be 20 years from now?
How do you start getting your life back on track when you've let it become derailed into seemingly nothingness? I need to literally "get a life" and I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll write out some goals here and some things I can possibly do about them....and we'll see where this goes:

-I am disgusted with the fact that I've let myself get this overweight and eat and drink (as in sodas) like I do and have virtually no physical activity. I'm attempting to register and attend the Cooper River Bridge Run March 27th of this year. I ran one mile today and was huffing and puffing like the dang little engine that couldn't. But I'm supposed to make 6.2 miles in 3 weeks? Yet I ran and worked out today, and I'm running and doing yoga tomorrow...one day at a time is how I'll take it I suppose. Slow and steady wins the race?....or comes in last. after the wheelchairs and kids. I'm also tomorrow beginning a cleanse and at the end of that cleanse will either begin a vegan diet or a fruit, vegetables and protein diet without dairy and lots of meat. I haven't decided yet.

-I don't know why I should feel any joy or excitement when the only One who can give joy or excitement is the One that I've been putting on the backburner lately. I wonder why I feel alone? Because I've been ignoring the only One who's been with me since before I existed. If I don't spend any with Him, why would I be the type of person anyone else wants to spend time with?

-If I'm not involved very much in life, it's no one's fault but my own. I feel like I'm going constantly with school and work (until I got laid off) and driving back and forth to Greenville, whenever I do get a minute or an hour I want to do nothing but lay down or facebook or watch tv....I feel like a grandma getting tired at 930 at night but maybe if I stayed out for small group or FCA even if I was tired in the morning I'd feel better....hopefully diet and exercise change will help me not feel so tired and exhausted. So many things to change, so little motivation and even less will power.

-Okay I know this has been one heck of a debbie downer blog but I needed to get this out and force myself to look at it and what I've let myself become. I need help to come out of this but for now I'll have to turn to the One who never left, and to the one in the mirror.

.....as of right now I am at about 159 pounds, I eat junk food most every day, I drink soda more than water, the most exercise I get is walking to class. I don't think I'm "fat" but I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror or look at pictures or how I feel in my clothes...the numbers on the tags aren't what bother me, it's that even though the numbers are going up they're still too small and I'm not doing anything about it but feeling bad about myself. I don't remember the last time I had a true devotional time with God. And by my 23rd birthday, May 15th of this year, I have a goal of reversing each and every single one of the above statements. Good-bye to Debbie Downer, hello to a healthier, more energetic, more motivated, more joyful, more in love with God, more ME.
Day 1.