Ticking Time Bomb of Tears

Soooo here's how my day went. Once again talked myself out of going to class. I'm using the excuse that I have a doctor's receipt that will cover the absences so once again I just roll over and go back to sleep. However after that, my day picked up a lot. My dad brought me a ton of stuff so that I can do my whole body cleanse. I'm kind of concerned that it's going to make my asthma and allergies act up even more than usual...and with me trying to run etc it's not going to be pretty..speaking of running, today's fail will be mentioned later. Anywho, so I started my whole body cleanse, the whole process will take about a month and a half...and during this time i'm also considering beginning a vegan diet....maybe some meat here and there...but no dairy and no gluten....my allergies and asthma and weight and health have all gotten out of control...i want to be lean, energetic, healthy, light and strong. Today, however, showed me how far i actually have to go....

My future roomate Mary Ashley told me that she and a friend were going running and asked if I wanted to come along. I told her that I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but that I would go...Irene tagged along with me also. Anywho, we meet MA at Osaka because she wants to "warm up run" through downtown and across campus to a dorm....i didn't realize that she literally meant run...as in book it...not like slowly jog and enjoy the scenery...but literally haulin tail....i don't think i made it half a mile before i had to stop and walk....i tried to jog some along the way because i felt bad knowing they would be at the destination and waiting on me for who knows how long...however for most of that "warm up" i walked....then we met her friend and they started a 3 mile run through a trail....i may have made it another half a mile...MAYBE...and had to stop again....so Irene and i walked perimeter road instead and even doing that i had to stop to use my inhaler twice i think. i don't know if it is because of the bronchitis i'm getting over, or asthma and allergies, or just the fact that i am ten times more out of shape than i thought i was...but i felt pathetic and helpless and bad that irene had to walk beside me when she could have at least made most of the way with MA and her friend.

So determined to feel like I had done some sort of physical activity I came back and Irene and I did a video called Yoga Booty Ballet that included yoga core and goddess booty....yes you read correctly. Then after that we did a different Slim & 6 pack video....so while I have gotten in more physical activity in the past 2 days than I have in the last year, i feel pathetic, wimpy, and angry that i have asthma and allergies which seem to keep me from a lot and randomly my lungs close or i react to something and my face swells and i itch everywhere....i just want to be healthy...to be able to run outside without the cold air closing up my lungs and the smell of mulch to make my allergies flare up....i'm tired of feeling like a sickling....so this has been day 2 of exercise and day 1 of the whole body cleanse....on to the next one.

On another note...i went to small group tonight for the first time since the beginning of the year. I have been wanting to go but basically I've been talking myself out of that like I've been talking myself out of going to class....also being gone from 8 to 1030 every wednesday puts a bit of a toll on me....however i realized tonight how much i have missed it and more than that, how much i have needed it...we talked about Jonah and there's a book I want to read called Redeeming Love that Amber suggested....i wonder if it's like the book Captivating....that is one amazing book. I really want Stephen to read that book and also the book Discovering the Mind of a Woman....I suggest every woman read those books and then have her significant other read them as well. But I ended up having a bit of an emotional break down when they asked for prayer requests and i talked about my family....i know i'm more sensitive than most people but i can't seem to think about my family lately without choking up or crying....i feel so sad and alone and even depressed...a lot because of them....how do you try to hang onto your family and the twisted mangled lines referred to as relationships and hang onto your own sanity and inner strength and self-love at the same time? There is only One who can hold me together in the middle of this...and yet I still haven't spent time with Him today except for small group....how sad is that.
Ohhh Day 2....if i've made any progress towards my goals today it was but a baby step.