My Life is Forever Altered

I am completely broken and emptied and numb inside. Yesterday, December 9, 2010 has become the newest, worst day of my life. My family has been ripped apart and my heart has been shattered. Christmas has been ruined and that is hard to do because it is usually the time of year when I am most at peace and my heart is the most joyful. I do not think that I should post details of the situation right now as it has only been 24 hours and I do not know exactly what is going to transpire from all of this. What I do know is that my life is changed forever and I feel empty and broken and numb and angry and heart broken and confused and surreal and lost. I don't even know if or how we'll have Christmas this year. I don't know where everyone will be or where we will put presents or open presents or have dinner, if we have dinner. I was so looking forward to my last exam in school being today so that I could relax and begin to clean and pack everything up to go home for the break, now all of that is changed and I guess I will be spending most of the break here in the ghost town Clemson becomes over Christmas. This will be the most horrible holiday season I've ever had. I hate sounding so down and pessimistic but I can't explain the confusion, hurt and helplessness that I feel and I've never known what it felt like to not have anywhere to go for Christmas or to have your family separated and not talking or not knowing where you'll be Christmas morning. A friend sent me this scripture that I feel is the only thing giving me light in this situation.

"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21

This Psalm is pretty much the story of the bad experiences of my life summed up. It seems that I can't catch a break and when I'm trying to move forward and better myself and get closer to God that's when the worst things happen and the things hardest to overcome show up again. However what happened yesterday is something completely new and different from the other situations I've had to try to overcome in my life before. I don't know how to function like this, I can't think straight, I can't focus, I'm pretty sure I failed my Spanish exam, I have to stop myself from crying at random times, I just feel like a lost, helpless little kid again. I don't know just how drastically my life is going to change from this or where I'll be a few weeks or months from now, but I know that it will never be the same and I think from now on it will always be a little bit worse. I can only pray that God somehow comforts me and gives me the strength I need to come through this and be a comfort to my mom and my sister and I guess somehow to my dad as well. This whole situation is so messed up. I'm finished venting for now, I need to go get ready, my mom and I are going away for a day or so to try to have her distracted from what's going on. I know that this post is confusing and very down but I needed to vent because as of right now no one is really talking about what happened or what will happen and I can't just sit here thinking about it inside my mind. So thank you, blog, for being my outlet right now. God give my family strength and comfort and peace beyond our understanding. You are the only one who can reach us in this mess.

 

 

Ohhhhh boy.

Well, boys and girls, it's been 2 months and 12 days since I last wrote in this blog. Perhaps if I change the main reasoning behind this blog I'll write in it more. I haven't written in so long because I honestly haven't been doing much of anything on the health home front. I am now taking Singulair for my exercise induced asthma and allergic reactions, and I asked to begin taking Diflucan for the overgrowth of yeast in my body which I believe is affecting everything from my digestive system to weight gain to my lungs however I was under the impression that I would need to take Diflucan for weeks, maybe months but instead the doctor gave me 4 pills of the generic brand of the drug. I know that I told him that I feel that I am a walking ball of yeast but I guess he wasn't listening or didn't take me seriously. I really feel that if I could get rid of the yeast overgrowth in my body which is contributing to my carb cravings, low energy, etc, that things would get a lot better.

I've also asked mom and dad to chip in and get me a personal trainer at the gym here at Clemson campus, Fike, for Christmas, Instead of more clothes or jewelry I'd much rather get a personal trainer for 2 or 3 months and finally get rid of this extra weight and get in the habit of working out multiple times a week but apparently if there isn't someone there waiting for me, I'm not going to go. Hopefully that will work out because I'm getting tired of seeing pictures of myself where I'm so much heavier than I used to be. I've got about 30 or so pounds to lose. And I want to do it before the spring so I don't have to spend another summer not wanting to put on a bathing suit or trying to find cover ups.

Anyway, I've decided to change this blog from a health update and strictly about health to just about life in general. Perhaps I'll have more to write about. Or perhaps I'll find the other parts of my life too personal to put on an internet blog and I'll save those for my journal. Who knows. We'll give it a shot.

Once a Slacker, Always a Slacker?

Well, it's been about a month and a half since I've posted on here, partly from "slackerism"....i suffer from it daily...and part guilt. I will say that while I haven't blown the gluten-free thing completely out of the water, I probably came pretty close. I've had pizza, burritos, chicken nuggets and one spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. While I can tell my lungs aren't very happy with me about it, it's kinda sad that I can hardly walk to class without my lungs being tight, I think the thing that I feel most is shame. Except for school and sports in highschool I don't know if there's ever been anything that I have stuck with and followed through with...and those things are probably the only exceptions because my parents would've found out if I hadn't gone to school and I would've been kicked off the team if I didn't go to practice. So why is it that I can't find reasons to motivate myself or rules to apply to myself that will hold me accountable and keep me on the track of my goals? Why is it that I can find any excuse in the world to talk myself out of going to class or the gym?

In all honesty I don't understand it. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to be someone who exercises every week. Not every day of every week but I want exercise to be a priority in my life. I want to be a responsible adult. I'm 23, which may not be considered "old" but for the person I am and the person I probably should be at 23?, it seems my development is definitely stunted. In middle school and high school I played every sport except tennis....volleyball, basketball, softball, one season of track and one season of cheerleading. I was used to being active every day and I loved it. So what happened between then and now? Why am I apparently ok with being overweight and inactive and struggling to get to class without having to slow down and try to get my lungs to open? What am I scared of? Why would I rather feel insecure or unhappy with how my clothes fit and feel so out of shape every day? Why is it so hard for me to get up and go outside and walk for an hour? Or go to the gym for 30 minutes and lift some weights? Either it's also to the point of being so sad that I can't admit the reason to myself so I block it out, or I really have no idea. I so wish I could afford a personal trainer, then I would be required to meet someone at a certain place at a certain time and if I don't show they're going to call and want to know why. Why can't I be that person for myself? Why is it that some people that have such inner motivation that they don't need anyone else, they just set a goal and they do it? Where was I when they were handing that out, how did I miss the memo?

I'm sick of whining about this and always posting statuses about wanting to lose weight, wanting to get healthy, wanting to get in shape, writing about it here and still not doing anything. It makes me seem and feel pathetic....and I guess if it walks, looks and quacks like a duck.... eeeesh. They say no one will really change until they want it for themselves. So do I just not want it bad enough yet? How overweight, out of shape and how poor of health do I have to be in before I'm willing to do something? Within the next 10 years I'd like to start a family....and everyone knows that unless you're a Victoria's Secret model or can afford Ivan the scary-monster-muscle trainer, once you have children it is infinitely harder to try to get your body back....or as close to back as you can, I don't think a woman's body can ever fully return to what it once was after you carry and give birth to a child...and I think that's a beautiful part of life. However, if I do not get into the habit of exercising now and get into shape now, once I do start a family it will almost assuredly NEVER happen. If I can find excuses not to now without a husband and children and bills? After life happens it would be like my excuse utopia (if that even makes sense).

But yet even after writing yet another post about what I want, actually what I NEED to do for myself, what am I going to do about it? I was planning on Tuesday/Thursdays to get up around 5:15am when Chrystal leaves for work and walk for an hour or so before leaving for class around 7. However sitting here thinking about it I immediately think 'crap, that's not a lot of sleep and I barely got any sleep last night'. So then I think, 'well I'll go to bed early' but then I think of the 3-5 page paper that I have due tomorrow morning that my 'slackerism' has caused me to wait to start on until the night before which means I probably won't be going to bed early because I don't get out of class until 5:15pm and still have to go grocery shopping and write the paper which then makes me think 'if I'm not going to bed early there's NO way I'm going to get up at 5am'. And now I am mentally exhausted....just thinking about exercise makes me feel exhausted. I don't know if this is a thryoid, or an adrenal glad or a hormone thing, or if it's some mental disease that I'm letting myself fall victim to. I'd like to say I'm going to get up at 5am to walk....but I doubt it. I'd like to say I'm going to walk for an hour on my break tomorrow from 10:45-12:30....I don't know. What I do know is that if I don't start something...and soon...my self-loathing is going to start, if it hasn't already, to affect my other relationships. I need a character makeover...a personality jolt...."a swift kick in the butt". What would be great is if I could do this for myself without a self-help book or trainer but just out of my love for myself and my future and those I want to be in my future. Here's to hoping?

2 down...passing "the hump" mark!

Everyone says 2 weeks is the "hump point"....if you can get past 2 weeks of a diet, of working out, of waiting to see results that this is when the results start showing up and it becomes easier etc...well i haven't dropped 20 lbs but the other night i was out to eat and it was surprisingly easy to sit next to stephen with his giant calzone and be okay with not having my own....i had a salad. right now i'm craving a large pepparoni pizza and crazy bread but i guess the easiness comes and goes...i wasn't able to find a scale today I did however work out for the first time in probably a year, besides yoga. we did arms and abs and my arms feel like 20lbs of dead weight right now...tomorrow should be interesting.

although apparently if i'm wanting to lose weight i should only lift weights about twice a week and focus mainly on cardio...which is hard to do with asthma and exercise induced allergic reactions...however tomorrow i believe i'll try to run and see how it goes....i don't know if 2 weeks is long enough for all the gluten and built up toxins/remains etc to get out of my system so that i don't have an allergic reaction but i guess we'll find out....i'm sure it will be more like a fat boy jog but hey it's something! so here's to two weeks down and 4 more to go...and here's to eating nothing today but smoothies...didn't plan it like that but i had one for breakfast, one when i got to work, and since i'm broke and have no groceries it looks like i'll be making a protein stocked smoothie for dinner! talk about cutting calories! lol ahhh who am i kidding, i'll probably hit up wendy's for some chili...mmmmm.

1 week and 4 days = 4 lbs down!

Whoo hoo! Today it has been one week and (techincally) 3 days since my zero gluten decision. I went to the doctor for a checkup yesterday and when I got on the scale it didn't go as high as I was expecting it to! I had to look again because I was waiting on it to get to the dreaded 1-6-0...but it didn't! I couldn't see it very well because it was one of the older ones but it looked like I was down 4 or 6 lbs! I'm hoping that it wasn't broken or too old to function anymore but if it was dead on I've dropped a few l-bs! 4 pounds may not be a lot but it's a start!

The other crazy thing was that today for lunch I had a salad with buffalo chicken on it....it was supposed to be grilled chicken however I think it may have had a little bit of breading on it because about an hour later I realized my lungs felt tighter and my breathing was a little more strained. Not positive that it was the chicken but there wasn't any other reason for my breathing to be affected so I'm thinking it was some unwanted gluten! Crazy!

 So my report for 10 days in is 4 lbs down and more to go! 4 and a half weeks left, can't wait to see other results! Now if only I could get my butt in the gym I could turn that 4 into 14! Only I hate working out and don't have an accountability partner. Still working on that part.

One Week Down! 5 to go!

Well, as of today, Monday, it has been one complete week of my gluten-free diet and so far I have a clean slate! In 7 days I haven't had any bread, pasta, breading, crackers, cookies, nada. To be honest I'm quite shocked. It's been hard at times trying to find something that doesn't have any gluten to eat when you're on the go. I haven't been able to go grocery shopping yet so most of my meals have been purchased and not cooked. But hopefully soon I'll get to go buy groceries and have lots of fruits and vegetables and meats at the apartment. So I still have five weeks to go to reach my six weeks no gluten goal, but one week is down and I survived so I'm thinkin I can do it! I haven't noticed any significant changes yet but I hear it takes at least 2 weeks for any results whether it be with a diet or exercise program or whatever. So hopefully when another week is down I'll step on the scale and see a lesser number! Or have more energy or notice less bloating and digestive problems! Forgive me for patting myself on the back but when you've spent your entire life basically being a carbohydrate addict, going 7 days without any is pretty huge. I just wanna keep my clean record for the last 5 weeks! Til August 14th! Bring it on!

Day 4.....made a baby step!

You (you being the ghost reader of my blog) will never know how hard it was for me today. I went to Zaxby's thinking I would be healthy and order a salad...you can get grilled chicken instead of the fried so it would be without gluten. However I forgot about the two deliciously juicy perfectly cut triangles of warm, buttered garlic bread that come with said salad. So I open up my salad and side of extra chicken (in tongue torch sauce of course) for extra protein and see my nemesis....if I let myself I could probably eat an entire box of texas toast garlic bread. Sad, I know, but true. There is nothing better to me than warm soft garlic bread. And there sat two pieces in front of me.

For some it would be no problem at all to just toss the pieces aside and dig into the salad. But for me, I literally had to talk myself out of eating them. "I'm here all alone....no one would know if I ate them or not...I've been good for 4 days, 2 pieces of bread won't hurt....nobody would know if I cheated and it probably wouldn't even mess up my diet that much...." this is me talking to myself. Granted, at least I wasn't talking to myself OUT LOUD, however I was literally having to convince myself not to let myself eat them. The saddest part is that even when I did finally put them in the bag with the wrappers of the fork and knife and napkins I had to talk myself out of going into that bag after the pieces and eating them anyway. Like I said, self-diagnosed food addict or emotional food addiction.

A lot of people don't understand the fact that I have to talk myself out of eating something even when I've thrown it aside or away. I don't know how to describe it other than the fact that I feel that I "need" to eat that certain thing or that I cannot stop eating until I've completely cleared my plate even if it results in me being so full that it hurts. And that it has been impossible to talk myself out of this way of thinking. These steps that I'm trying to take will hopefully change that mindset and the self-diagnosed emotional food addiction but right now I'm just trying to completely cut out gluten and then hopefully I'll be able to move onto the eating less and eating healthier, exercising, etc. 

But to be honest today was a huge step for me. I was surprised at myself for being able to and being able to a little easier than I thought I would. So today is Day 4 of the no gluten plan and so far I have a clean record! 3 more days and it will be one week down, 5 more to go. haha. Here's to surviving and to making more baby steps that will add up to a lifestyle change! Now to figure out what I could have for dinner....does Little Caesars make gluten free crazy bread??  No, eh?