Once a Slacker, Always a Slacker?

Well, it's been about a month and a half since I've posted on here, partly from "slackerism"....i suffer from it daily...and part guilt. I will say that while I haven't blown the gluten-free thing completely out of the water, I probably came pretty close. I've had pizza, burritos, chicken nuggets and one spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. While I can tell my lungs aren't very happy with me about it, it's kinda sad that I can hardly walk to class without my lungs being tight, I think the thing that I feel most is shame. Except for school and sports in highschool I don't know if there's ever been anything that I have stuck with and followed through with...and those things are probably the only exceptions because my parents would've found out if I hadn't gone to school and I would've been kicked off the team if I didn't go to practice. So why is it that I can't find reasons to motivate myself or rules to apply to myself that will hold me accountable and keep me on the track of my goals? Why is it that I can find any excuse in the world to talk myself out of going to class or the gym?

In all honesty I don't understand it. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to be someone who exercises every week. Not every day of every week but I want exercise to be a priority in my life. I want to be a responsible adult. I'm 23, which may not be considered "old" but for the person I am and the person I probably should be at 23?, it seems my development is definitely stunted. In middle school and high school I played every sport except tennis....volleyball, basketball, softball, one season of track and one season of cheerleading. I was used to being active every day and I loved it. So what happened between then and now? Why am I apparently ok with being overweight and inactive and struggling to get to class without having to slow down and try to get my lungs to open? What am I scared of? Why would I rather feel insecure or unhappy with how my clothes fit and feel so out of shape every day? Why is it so hard for me to get up and go outside and walk for an hour? Or go to the gym for 30 minutes and lift some weights? Either it's also to the point of being so sad that I can't admit the reason to myself so I block it out, or I really have no idea. I so wish I could afford a personal trainer, then I would be required to meet someone at a certain place at a certain time and if I don't show they're going to call and want to know why. Why can't I be that person for myself? Why is it that some people that have such inner motivation that they don't need anyone else, they just set a goal and they do it? Where was I when they were handing that out, how did I miss the memo?

I'm sick of whining about this and always posting statuses about wanting to lose weight, wanting to get healthy, wanting to get in shape, writing about it here and still not doing anything. It makes me seem and feel pathetic....and I guess if it walks, looks and quacks like a duck.... eeeesh. They say no one will really change until they want it for themselves. So do I just not want it bad enough yet? How overweight, out of shape and how poor of health do I have to be in before I'm willing to do something? Within the next 10 years I'd like to start a family....and everyone knows that unless you're a Victoria's Secret model or can afford Ivan the scary-monster-muscle trainer, once you have children it is infinitely harder to try to get your body back....or as close to back as you can, I don't think a woman's body can ever fully return to what it once was after you carry and give birth to a child...and I think that's a beautiful part of life. However, if I do not get into the habit of exercising now and get into shape now, once I do start a family it will almost assuredly NEVER happen. If I can find excuses not to now without a husband and children and bills? After life happens it would be like my excuse utopia (if that even makes sense).

But yet even after writing yet another post about what I want, actually what I NEED to do for myself, what am I going to do about it? I was planning on Tuesday/Thursdays to get up around 5:15am when Chrystal leaves for work and walk for an hour or so before leaving for class around 7. However sitting here thinking about it I immediately think 'crap, that's not a lot of sleep and I barely got any sleep last night'. So then I think, 'well I'll go to bed early' but then I think of the 3-5 page paper that I have due tomorrow morning that my 'slackerism' has caused me to wait to start on until the night before which means I probably won't be going to bed early because I don't get out of class until 5:15pm and still have to go grocery shopping and write the paper which then makes me think 'if I'm not going to bed early there's NO way I'm going to get up at 5am'. And now I am mentally exhausted....just thinking about exercise makes me feel exhausted. I don't know if this is a thryoid, or an adrenal glad or a hormone thing, or if it's some mental disease that I'm letting myself fall victim to. I'd like to say I'm going to get up at 5am to walk....but I doubt it. I'd like to say I'm going to walk for an hour on my break tomorrow from 10:45-12:30....I don't know. What I do know is that if I don't start something...and soon...my self-loathing is going to start, if it hasn't already, to affect my other relationships. I need a character makeover...a personality jolt...."a swift kick in the butt". What would be great is if I could do this for myself without a self-help book or trainer but just out of my love for myself and my future and those I want to be in my future. Here's to hoping?